I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
