No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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