You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
