the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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