I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
he fucked my hip out of place.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
