Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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