i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It's official drugs can't kill me
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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