Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Holy sore nipples Batman
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.