I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone