I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
