i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
