We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
