So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
