Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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