is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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