Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
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I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
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I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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