I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
