After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
