Moan for me like Helen Keller
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
