I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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