My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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