I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Watching her eat just hurts me
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
