My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
