All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
