Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
