im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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