Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
