Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
3pm strippers are depressing
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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