just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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