A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
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