just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
