o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
