she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
