Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
