The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
