I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
