In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
