woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So vagazzling was a success
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
