Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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