There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
