you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
