I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Actions speak louder than pants.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
