I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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