some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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