I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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