This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
