i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
