I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
