You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
