My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
