toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
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All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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