Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
