just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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