This is not my ceiling
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
