You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
