I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
