Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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