thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
